Mid-Summer Jokes (The city council is on vacation for 7 weeks)

Five Needs for a Great Relationship: 1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job. 2. It is important that a man makes you laugh. 3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn‚t lie to you. 4. It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you. 5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.

The Widow A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the widow said to the hired hand, "You‚ve done a really good job and the ranch looks great. Go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town the next Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the widow sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt." He did. "Now take off my bra." He did as he was told. "Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again."

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Sick Day Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.

"Wow!" he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

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Zen and Contemporary Wisdom 1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone. 2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. 3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. 4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else. 5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 6. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. 8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day. 10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything. 12. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield. 13. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 15. A closed mouth gathers no foot. 16. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side a dark side, and it holds the universe together. 17. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 18. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 19. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 20. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

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Irishmen Dave and Terence were walking home from town after a night on the piss. They had no money to get a taxi and were staggering all over the place when they found themselves outside the bus depot on Cunningham Road. Dave had a brainwave and said to Terence "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police".

So Terence breaks into the garage and was gone for twenty minutes while Dave was wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Dave sticks his head around the door and sees Terence running from bus to bus and looking very worried. "What the bleedin' hell are you doing Terry, get a move on!" Terence replies "I can't find a number 67 anywhere Dave" whereupon Dave, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You ****ing idiot Terry, steal a number 25 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!"

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Frog A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were too expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune. "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say this breed has been trained to give blowjobs!" „Blowjobs!" the woman replied. "It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month," he said. The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...no more blowjobs for her! She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this act again. In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks. "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked. The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is gone.‰

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WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No. You had your chance. Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??" "I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ________________________________________________

One summer evening, during a violent thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy." _________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*tch to iron." _______________________________

A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a b*tch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a b*tch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?!" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say, 'Two plus two, that son of a b*tch is four'?!?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, ŒTwo plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.‚" _________________________________________________

One day a teacher read the story "Chicken Little" to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She

read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Sh*t! A talking chicken!'" _____________________________________________________________ A Study of Women Found A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features; and if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass.

World's Funniest Joke By Corey Ullman LONDON (Reuters) - After a year of painstaking scientific research, the world's funniest joke was revealed on Thursday.

In a project described as the largest-ever scientific study into humor, the British Association for the Advancement of Science ( news - web sites) asked Internet users around the world to submit their favorite jokes and rate the funniness of other people's offerings.

More than 40,000 jokes from 70 countries and two million critiques later, this is it:

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: "Take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

Silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, "Ok, now what?"

Researchers found significant differences between nations in the types of jokes they found funny.

People from the UK, the Republic of Ireland, Australia and New Zealand Preferred gags involving word play, such as:

PATIENT: "Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum." DOCTOR: "I've got some cream for that."

Americans and Canadians favored jokes where people were made to look stupid.

TEXAN: "Where are you from?" HARVARD GRAD: "Harvard -- where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." TEXAN: "OK -- where are you from, asshole?"

Meanwhile, many Europeans liked gags that were surreal or made light of Serious subjects such as illness, death and marriage:

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having

dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?'

"But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."'

Marriage-mocking also featured in the top American joke:

"A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. "He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: 'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.'

"The man then replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."'

Death earned big laughs in Scotland:

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers."

And animals figured prominently. Take the number one joke in England: "Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, 'I slept with your mother!' "The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. "The first again yells, 'I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!' "The other says: 'Go home dad, you're drunk."' The survey revealed other fun facts:

-- Of the countries rating the highest number of jokes, Germans, perhaps surprisingly, laughed the most. Canadians laughed least.

-- If you want to tell a funny animal joke, make it a duck.

-- The most frequently submitted joke, at 300 times, was: "What's brown and sticky? A stick."

Researchers said no one ever found it funny.

The findings can be read at www.laughlab.co.uk