All new Jokes!

In which we feature priests, hypnotists, Texans, li'l kids and so on.

OaklandNews is written for people of voting age.
Our joke selection is for that group, too.

Hypnotist
It was opening night at the Orpheum and the Amazing Claude topped the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Itís been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

Kids in Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "Nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was 4. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jello and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you in for?"
The first kid says, 'A circumcision."
Second kid says, "Whoa. Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

Flies
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh, kill any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

ìSurvivorî in Texas
Due to the popularity of the ìSurvivorî series of reality television programming, the State of Texas is planning its own version.
Entitled ìSurvivor: Texas-Styleî, the contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo. From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Fort Worth and finally back to Dallas.
Each will be driving a bright pink Volvo station wagon with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore in 2000, I'm a Socialist and a member of PETA. Hillary in 2004! I'm here to confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

Doctor Joke
A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.
He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing his mistake, he says...
"Well, that's great... just great... some asshole's got my pen."

An old one, but stunningly relevant
The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory. He had a prized cock rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the rooster was missing and the priest suspected that it had something to do with the cock fights which occurred in the village. So he decided to speak about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation directly, "Who here has a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Who has seen a cock recently?"
All the women stood up.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"
Half the women stood up again.
"No, No," he said, "that wasn't what I meant either. Has anybody seen _my_ cock?"
All the altar boys stood up.